Everyone knows the last two years have been difficult for us. There are no secrets there. When Phibro closed in Canada and I found myself unemployed for the first time since I was 14 years old, we were in a great position. The kids were grown and gone. Our savings was huge and there was a lot of equity in our property. Initially, I thought I was good. It took almost a year for me to discover that I wasn't. I now think that Phibro killed the working me. It was the kind of place where you endlessly talk about solving problems and never actually solve any. The goal was always to appear to be solving problems. People who solved any were gone quickly. For a problem solver, like me, the only way to survive was to tow the line. I think now, it effected me more than I knew. Slowly, I came to realize that working in a corporate setting was not what I wanted to go back to.
The plan then became that we were going to move to Nova Scotia where there is a much longer gardening season and our best friends live. Cost of living there is much less, especially when you consider winter heat and I could work in gardens almost year round while Miles continued with the dogs. We were not planning on having a dog shelter there. That part of what we do is done. We have saved all the dogs we can in groups. We will always have pets and remain committed to the dogs we have left here but our doors have been closed to new dogs for two years now. I threw myself into that plan. Sean was getting married here and then we were going to sell the property and move. As you know, my Dad collapsed in the parking lot at Sean's wedding and was rushed to the emergency. My sister and I watched my youngest son get married in a lovely, small ceremony while our father was in the emergency room for completely unexpected and unknown reasons. He is alright now, his medical problems are being managed with medication and last month, he returned to work. This is a great step. Although he should have retired long ago, my Dad needs work. He has always had 2 or 3 jobs and even when in the service his list of volunteer work was impressive. He is a classic workaholic and will have real trouble being happy if not working. The fact he is back at work means he is happier.
Just as we were ready to put the property on the market, the call from Ontario Child Protection came. Nicholas had been taken from his mother and placed in foster care. This began the odyssey of court dates, lawyers, travel and endless paperwork. It took everything we all had for Sean to mount the battle to get Nicholas out of foster care and home with him and his family. The worst part ended in December when Sean flew out to court in Ontario and flew home with Nicholas. Although there will be more court dates, more lawyers and more expense, it will all happen with Nicholas here so we don't have the added worry of how he is doing during it all. There is a slim chance Nicholas could be returned to his mother at the end of it but I am preferring to think that even our fucked up court system isn't going to do that to him. Keep your fingers crossed.
By the end of last year, our savings was gone and only the equity is left. Legal fees, travel costs, living expenses while we prepared to move ate it more quickly than I could have imagined but it was all worth it to be here now with a healthy father and a safe and happy grandson. I do not begrudge a penny and would not do it any differently if I had to repeat it. However, I did not realize how it had effected me. I think I was slipping into depression and the last two months, it had become impossible for me to accomplish important things. When we decided to leave our extended family here, they were all healthy, happy and independent. My Dad's health and Nicholas' close call made us feel like we need to stay here a few more years. So Miles went back to work and we decided I would stay home and take over the animal care. Because I can work from home on my own schedule, it seemed best to do it that way and this year, I started working again. We are climbing out of it and that is all positive. My problem solving skills to the rescue again. So why did I feel like I was in such a funk? Why was it getting harder and harder to keep myself motivated?
Two weeks ago, I was editing an article for a client when I read her statement, "anxiety leads to procrastination". This prompted me to write the last post and more importantly, really started me thinking. Of course, you don't get a Psychology degree without knowing that so the information was not at all new to me. But it felt new. It was the first time I thought of that concept in terms of myself. The reason I never worked in Psychology after I graduated was because I did not have the patience required to work with people who were seemingly unable to help themselves. I completely got the intellectual concepts but it was difficult for me to understand why these people could not just pick themselves up and move forward once they were out of whatever trauma they experienced. What they can't teach you, it turns out, is how your brain completely disconnects from your actions. It is the most bizarre circumstance I have ever encountered. It was like I got lost in my head. I knew everything I needed to know, I had proven historically many times that I could rise above my circumstances, I made lists and action plans for everything I needed to do.... yet I could not make myself physically move to act on any of them. I spent my time cleaning, looking after dogs, anything that did not require me to think beyond the moment. Although I heartily believe in living in the moment if you want any quality of life, I do not believe that living in the moment to avoid the future is healthy and that is what I was doing. That article edit was the start of waking me up but I don't know how long it would have taken had it not been for Sean Penn, Ted Turner and Jack Marshall.
Last week, we disconnected our cable. For us in the Valley, that means no more TV because we do not get reception of the three local channels down here. We had decided that TV has become a mind-numbing brain-suck. I will fondly miss The Amazing Race and will watch Survivor online. Other than that, there is nothing I will miss. Miles, being the movie buff he is, has hundreds of movies and I have all my favourite shows on DVD since none of them are running anymore anyway. We then discovered that OWN is running a full free preview until February 29 so with that single channel, I have been watching shows I normally would not. So enters Sean Penn and Ted Turner.
Sean Penn is in Haiti. If you want to know why, check out
J/P HRO. I watched an interview with him in which he said many things that I related to. Most particularly, when discussing his demon doors, he said, "When I have free time is when I get in trouble. There is no benefit to spending too much time alone with my thoughts." That is not an exact quote but it is the gist of what he said. For Sean, the problem is that when he thinks too long about what is wrong with the world, it pisses him off that we can't all get along. I do the same thing. When I have too much time alone to think, I think about all the things I cannot fix. It leads me to a place of hopelessness, a non-productive place where I convince myself there is nothing I can do to make anything better. (Hmmm, maybe taking a year off wasn't such a good idea after all!) Of course, this is a completely false position and I know that but it does not change what happens in my head. It started me thinking about what I can accomplish and brought me back to my hopes and dreams of working locally to promote a connection to nature, food security, healthy, organic and sustainable methods.... all the good stuff. Step one complete, thanks to Sean. I was officially sitting up and rubbing my eyes open by this point.
Enter Ted Turner. A man I thought I would agree on nothing with, but as it turns out, Ted appears to be very charming, very likeable and sharp as a tac. What a wonderful surprise. I love it when someone blasts open a preconceived notion I have about them. It makes me realize that we are all closer to the same than one would think. Something I tend to forget in my activist thoughts where issues can easily come to an us-against-them standpoint. Ted's life story is an interesting one. He spoke of his father's influence and suicide with candor. When telling the story of his bad decision with the CNN/AOL deal, he spoke about the difficulties when things go wrong. He said, "When things go bad, you can't let it destroy you. You need to grit your teeth and keep moving forward." Ted is a work hard, nose to the grindstone kind of guy. I am normally the same. Although I do not think the current situation had come anywhere close to destroying me, Ted's words have been ringing in my brain several times a day since I watched. Step two complete, thanks to Ted. I am actually having productive thoughts again all of a sudden. It would seem that every time my mind turns to non-productive thought, Ted is there telling me to grit my teeth and I am able to move quickly back to a better place. Optimism is creeping in.
For the completion of my transformation, I had help from Jack Marshall. Jack's is not likely a name as familiar to any of you as Sean or Ted but his push was just as instrumental to me. Jack writes an ethics blog I read, I am sure among many other things he does but the blog is where I find him. The other day, he
wrote a piece about suicide. In it, he put forward this thought, "Changing conditions and new realities can, in rare circumstances, cause societies to conclude that what was once considered right is really wrong, and what was once condemned as wrong is in society’s best interests. I think we may reach that point with suicide." Since this is a story about me, I am taking this statement completely out of context and if you want to understand Jack's point-of-view, I encourage you
to read the entirety of what he wrote as opposed to assuming based on that single snippet. It was this snippet that prompted the change in me though. I don't know what Jack was actually saying. I had a physical reaction to the thought that suicide of the aged and ill would be considered good for society. I read, re-read, did laundry, read again, did dishes, read again, slept, read again and quickly realized that due to my state of mind at the time and the possibly irrational physical reaction on first read, I was never going to get what Jack was saying in that post. It was already too full of what I was thinking for me to read it with any clarity. It doesn't matter that I may never be able to read that post with
enough detachment to understand Jack's thoughts on suicide and society.
It is enough that I understand my own. I absolutely do not want to live
in a society that thinks it is in their best interests for elderly, sick
people to kill themselves rather than put an unnecessary financial
burden on the health care system, their families or society. I want to
live in a society that treasures the old, even if sick. I believe in the
right to die with dignity and choice but never, in my wildest thoughts,
did I think an individual should base that decision on society at all.
It is a personal choice that should be made for personal reasons. I
think a society that accepts a "suicide for the good of society" option puts added and undue pressure on the
already vulnerable. Go ahead and kill yourself, your useless and
expensive and you are just flat out getting in our way! Yuck! The only
way you can change society is to work within it. The final Ah Ha moment.
Thank you, Jack. Step 3 is complete. The final step I think. It had me taking action. Eye rubbing is done.
I had started the
Natural Connection website
set-up only because I needed to test the website builder program in
weebly and in order to test, you need to build. This week, I have
actually taken steps to get it off the ground. I have several
appointments lined up for the next two weeks to do just that. With luck,
the young people around here will get involved and take it over when we
ultimately do retire to a better gardening climate.
I am back, folks. And for those of you that didn't know I was so conflicted, don't worry, it wasn't that you weren't paying attention. I wasn't talking about it. It is easier to talk about coming out of it than it was going in.
To all our friends and family, thank you for all of your help and support during the last two years. It has been very much appreciated. We would not have made it to here without you and here is a pretty awesome place to be. Time to go out and change the world, one garden at a time.
